Personal post #2: Cyclothymia
Well, I just had a few months of feeling pretty up, and it was fantastic. I felt motivated, creative, social, engaged with the world, eager to help others. I was eating better and doing a decent amount of walking. I was blogging a lot, as you can see. (But I was sleeping erratically, and my mind was constantly racing.)
Now, unfortunately, I am back to feeling pretty down. Which means that a bunch of things I’m supposed to be doing, things I volunteered to do, aren’t getting done. Including training for the run I pledged to do (and raised several donations for). Including planning for an organization I agreed to launch and lead. Including paying bills, preparing holiday gifts, even doing laundry and opening mail. And I’m back to eating poorly and not exercising. (But at least I’m sleeping better, and my mind isn’t racing.)
I discovered the word cyclothymia the other day. I think that’s probably what’s going on. It’s a word that basically means “mild bipolar disorder.” So what I just experienced, from mid-August to late November, was probably a hypomanic episode. And it was pretty great. A nice change from the depression that I’d been experiencing for many months.
Yes, I take antidepressant drugs and see a therapist.
No, I’m not necessarily looking for advice or ideas. Just support is fine.
No, I don’t consider this blog post to be oversharing, though I suppose some of you may think it is. Or you may be put off by it for some other reason (too narcissistic, too whiny, etc.). If that’s the case, go ahead and let me know. I can handle different perspectives. And who knows, maybe you’ll convince me that you’re right. If you don’t convince me, or if I sense that you’re just being mean-spirited, I’ll relish the opportunity to sardonically cut you down to size.
I don’t know if sharing this is worth it. Maybe doing so will turn out to be unwise. It’s just something I feel compelled to do.
Mike, I think a lot of people go through these ups and downs (I know I do) depending on social activities, social circles and other obligations. Sometimes, what you want to do ends up being a lot more work and so overwhelming that you do nothing and just want to escape. Even social obligations can make it so you just don’t want to answer the phone and emails go on the back burner. Not that you want my advice, but I’ll give it anyway. Focus on what is truly important to you and makes you happy and do the other stuff when time permits. And don’t beat yourself up about it when stuff doesn’t get done.
Thanks for the kind thoughts, Sheila. I appreciate it.
Ohh Mike.. Even when your down you make me laugh! I hear you… sometimes life is just plain hard. I am proud of you for sharing and being real! Real is always cool to me! Since have the kiddos and having hypothyroid and the crazy hormones bounces a woman goes thru I have had some really tough seasons too. I hear you. Sometimes you just want to be heard and accepted. I did not choose my path as I am sure you do not either. These types of things are as real as cancer or heart disease- you do not choose them ;they choose you. I think creative people often go thru this times more as they think deeper and harder and see life in a different perspective. I know I often just want to know my life makes a difference to someone.. that when I am gone that a difference will have been made. A real difference, just going thru the motions can see meaningless; unless I know it and I matter to someone. Friend, you do matter, you do make a difference. There are a lot of people who deal with what you do. It took courage and strength to be real and honest. Hats off to you buddy! I know this season can be really tough when your struggling. I had a miscarriage about 15 years ago at Christmas, every year it is a reminder. When one is struggling and others see so obsessively cheery it can almost deepen your own pain. I know you do not believe in God but it is what has got me thru my hard times. I will pray for you( I know since you do not believe that is more for me than you.) I do wish you a lighter heart or at least an abundance of loving and merciful people who will hold you up and love you thru these moments. Cheers my friend and may you feel loved rather it is a high period or low period.
Thank you Audra. This is a really nice note. Much appreciated. Merry Christmas to you.
Mike, from another Mike, my bipolar disorder began around 1959, end of high school. It became a routine 3 months good, 3 months down. I’m told I had hypomania rather that full out mania.
No one can know what it’s like unless they have it and I wish it on no one. I could barely concentrate, when I spoke it was very basic as my mind wasn’t functioning much. I stayed in bed a few times until 2 pm. Didn’t want to answer the phone. In the early days, saw other happy people and felt some resentment.
Not diagnosed until 1977. Lithium worked quickly but I was on it for way too long (main factor in giving me kidney disease) and eventually your mood flattens out excessively to the point where you’re expressing little emotion.
Medication worked better in 2002 and since 2008, has worked well.
I wish you the best. I hope your psych changes meds when one doesn’t work. It took me a few months to find the right one after going off lithium. My latest psychi picked the right combination: canceling depakote and subbing wellbutrin and continuing my lithium and lamictal. Everyone’s different as you know but your dr. should be able to find the right combo to balance you without destroying your emotions.
If you wish to chat, it’s michael.schapiro3@gmail.com.
Thanks for posting, Mike. I’m glad you found medications that work for you. I’m been on and off medications for maybe 10 years now, and I don’t think they’ve had much effect. I’ve read that antidepressants may be less effective for people with milder depression. What I think I need is to somehow make some lifestyle changes, by setting up the proper environmental stimuli to motivate me.